Too Much Talking? Most Certainly: CHEW LiPS, Unicorn

Being featured as bright sparks for future months, ranked amongst the dreamy darkness of Chapel Club, down tempo dubstep mastery of Joy Orbison and precisely coiffeured retro pioneers HURTS is one thing. And something of an achievement in itself. Conjuring up a vaguely amusing part-gruesome/ part-enchanting pun in place of a moniker, whilst slightly misguided, is almost another. Yet an LP stuffed with recycled mainstream Moloko gleaming glitches and arpeggiated clunky bass lines ripped right off of The Rapture provides little more viscous substance than a dirty dishwasher trickle. CHEW LiPS’ debut long player Unicorn, equipped with cheap Photoshop sleeve covered, somewhat inexplicably, in parrots and peacocks and seething generic vocals from an infuriating, flickering flame of a frontwoman, comprising the wails of Florence Welch, the inanity of Ellie Goulding and enough electro ignorance to get Little Boots stomping back into the studio truly misses the mark. For starters, glittered faux-glam girls wailing from the genre of 2009 that was, quite simply, “Female” was quite literally, so last year. Play Together almost melds together the least experimental Crystal Castles blips with cheap and cheerfully synthetic drum loops to vague effect and as the chiming guitars of Karen intertwine amongst ascending vocals, Tigs and her band of gruesome floral followers reveal a vaguely mystical tip to a devastatingly drab iceberg that lurks ominously beneath, like the glass and gunk that reside under Pete Doherty’s fingernails. Seven sounds like a Kraftwerk knock-off, were their minimal majesty of four reinterpreted by seven inept first-time Logic noobs, Eight sounds arrestingly akin to Adele in a hideous shower of strobe and plant fertilizer and Piano Song is as cack-handed a ballad as Chris de Burgh could ever have conceived. Even more bizarrely, and somewhat ironically, their single shade of worthy songsmithery, Solo, is omitted from this irksome anchor of a record. Outdated, outstayed and just not too great, this Unicorn is about as far from mystical, magical realms as The Courteeners. Best left in the stable alongside other tips-for-the-top-that-evidently-flopped, file next to Iglu & Hartly in the feeding trough.